Can't Agree?

               You walk past him, with your eyes down and say nothing. He rushes inside and says something under his breath that you don't understand and don't really care to pursue. There is a wall, a roadblock ( or two), and if not addressed, the efforts you have made to "build" the "blocks" of relationship can come crashing down quickly.

When this happens, one of you needs to take steps of Conflict Resolution. This sounds so technical. It seems that we are skilled at doing this in many areas of our lives, but when it comes to relationships we seem to avoid the steps necessary to come to agreement and resolution.

You notice the scale numbers rising. You feel lethargic and have no energy. You say to yourself one day , "I am gaining weight and don't feel as good as I used to . I need to do something."  You think about how you have ice cream every night while you sit and watch T.V. and you think about how you have tried to diet before but it hasn't worked. Instead you consider exercise. Maybe joining the YMCA or a gym. Maybe you can take a walk each night after dinner instead. Your friend has some exercise videos she could lend to you. You consider each option and choose to join the YMCA. After a month you realize this hasn't worked so well, although you lost a few pounds and feel a bit better,  so you call your friend to ask for the videos.

You have just successfully taken steps to personal conflict resolution. It truly is not as scary and intimidating , once you just start to do it. What makes it difficult is when you have conflict or decisions to make with another human being. Your differences and past unresolved issues come into discussion and keeping a level head is important.

SO, back to our initial scenario of a "wall" between you. Now is the time to start:

1. Initiate a time and place to talk and get out some paper and pencils.

2. Define the specific problem. List ways you contribute . Have your partner list the ways they contribute.

3. List past attempts to solve the problem that haven't worked. ( Just list them, don't discuss or say "That didn't work because you dropped the ball...."!! ) And now for the fun part :  BRAINSTORM 10 ( or maybe 5 if you can't do more) NEW IDEAS.  The ideas can be crazy, non-realistic, practical, or whatever. Don't judge the other person's ideas, just put them down on paper.

4. Now discuss and evaluate them all. Find the ones that are most useful and appropriate and really do-able.  Agree on one and try it!

5. Decide specifically what you will do , and have your spouse decide on specifically what they will do to help make this work.

6. Set up another meeting to talk about progress, or if you need to pick another option to try.

Sometimes , just the knowledge that you have been heard and that you both are trying to resolve the issues, goes a long way! Often a solution is eventually found that you both can truly make work.  Then you can walk past him with a smile and he can speak respectfully , and directly to you. The walls come down a bit and the relationship is restored and actually strengthened as you work on Conflict Resolution.

You can't avoid conflict or disagreement, but you can actively take steps to make it more productive and actually WORK for your partnership!