Monday, May 29, 2017

Tradition!

    

Traditions ......Roles, Religion, Rituals. Fill in the blanks:
My religious tradition is ________________. 
Mine is  _____________.

Your faith may be the same as your forefathers or it may be different. In the opening number for the Broadway musical Fiddler on the Roof, the main character, the father, explains the roles of all the people in the town. The religious and non-religious members of the community are mentioned as well as the family members and what is expected of them within the thought of religious tradition.

The villagers and leaders face the challenge we all do , when the world around us changes, amidst our strongly held beliefs.

Talk about how you grew up and if you valued church or prayer in your home. Talk about how you view it now. Consider how you want to grow spiritually now and how you can take steps to grow as a couple together. My husband and I have placed a high value on our beliefs about God and our growth as Christians, both individually and together as a couple.

When we see something in our church that bothers us, we talk about it. When we see something we learned as children that doesn't seem to present God in the right light or in a honest frame, we question and work through our understanding of our faith.  We pray together, we wrestle with God together, we rejoice together when we see His hand in our lives.

Our traditions are not the same as our families of origin. They were good to understand though, to learn how we viewed the roles we assumed as husband and wife. Together we have sought God, grown in our faith in Him, sharpened each other in the pursuit of knowing our Creator.

So as you ask about past traditions and beliefs, think about where you are heading together in your faith journey. Commit to making some of your own traditions around your faith. Pursue truth, belief and faith. And as the world changes around you, your faith tradition will give you an anchor of your own!


Faith Foundation




How Have your Views about God Changed Throughout your Life?


In a rock-solid relationship, two people often come together around shared values and goals for their life together. Often these are ideals that extend beyond themselves individually or as a couple.

Our beliefs about God and his relationship to us and the world can greatly influence the way we see the world and our partner and our role and responsibility in our partnership with our spouse.  Our faith, or set of beliefs can be a rock to stand on. It can be a light to guide us. Sometimes it can loom large in our vision, and at other times we may only be able to grasp it like a mustard seed between our fingers. But it shapes us and our relationships!

I believe to talk about our convictions of who God is, or isn’t and how he does or doesn’t relate to us as a couple, will give you some new insight about your partner. And maybe it will give you a new desire to know more about God, too. Knowing God, knowing yourself and knowing your spouse will help build a solid foundation you can stand on!

Saturday, May 27, 2017

Stay Tuned : More questions coming !!


     More questions coming SOON!  The series of "faith" questions is NEXT! Stay Tuned!!! 

Monday, May 15, 2017

Memories Light the Corners of My Mind

             Memories ..... I can think back to a bad memory and feel sick to my stomach. And I can also think back to a wonderful memory and gain an excitement and contentment by just visiting that place and time in my spirit and mind.

Ask your partner  "What is a special memory of time together, and what made it so great?"

Take note of if it is something that can be re-created in a simple way some ordinary day, or if it is a memory that was made with some planning and sacrifice. The goal is not to necessarily go back and re-create that time, but if you can , great!  The goal is really to hear what it is that your partner needs from you to keep time together special.  To each person it may be different. It may be activity, relaxation, a different set of scenery, a shared project, or solitude or great conversation.

As the memory lights the corners of your minds, may it help you see the one you love, even more clearly!





When You're Happy and You Know It


Children are taught to begin to identity their emotions by singing songs that name feelings. "When your're happy and you know it, clap your hands.....When you're sad and you know it , stomp your feet..."  You know the song.

But can you help your spouse identify feelings and can you listen without judgement as they share their heart with you.

As you ask your partner to fill in the blank , and then as you do so and your partner listens, don't just listen with your ears, but listen with your heart. There may be some clapping and stomping going on when you both realize your deepest feelings have been validated by each other!

I feel HAPPY when ___________________.
I am AFRAID when __________________.

Wednesday, May 10, 2017

Who Needs A Change?













If you are reading Time for Thirty Questions, my guess is that you are seeking change in your relationship with your spouse.

Maybe your friendship is strong but you just want to grow deeper. Or you may find yourself, as a few of my friends have shared with me lately,  partners and co-workers of sorts in the daily grind of life, but that is it. Most of us want more from our relationships. I believe God made us to seek after soul connection with others. It is a reflection of the way he made us to seek to know Him.

The desire for change in relationships often is a valid goal. But sometimes we see the other person as the one who needs to change. If they.... When they....  THEN things would be better! I have said those things and thought them. So has my husband. Thankfully we have been blessed to have had amazing opportunities to learn about marriage maintenance, through books, classes, sermons, marriage mentor training and wise people who have gone before us!   We have learned that growing and changing for the better is best done TOGETHER.  Thus the 30 questions!

I have painted blocks with different topic colors and then hand-written different questions that relate to that topic on each block.  They are not very professionally done, so only friends and family have received them so far! But the idea is to sit down WITH your spouse, choose a block and a question or two.  Read the question, answer, listen, summarize what you hear and respond by saying "I feel , or I hear you saying". At first, if you are not accustomed to this, it will seem cumbersome, but soon it will seem more familiar.

Some of you want change, but your spouse is not willing ( or mentally/emotionally able) to share this exercise with you. You can still ask the questions and listen.  You may offer your answer to the question at that time, or at another time and just let them think about your answer without discussing it together.  

I am not going to tell you that miracles will happen if you go through these questions. Growth may come sure and clearly, but it may just happen in small steps or maybe not at all. There is worth in trying, as your relationship is worth watering and pruning to see if something new will grow.

Ultimately, we are only able to change ourselves. The beauty is when both people desire to change together , for the good of themselves, the other and the partnership.  Ask the questions. Listen. Determine, if nothing else, to change yourself , based on what you are hearing from your partner.

Today I just heard this story below. You may not be trying to change the world. Our own marriages are daunting enough much of the time, but the message is clear : who needs a change? We all do , and it begins with us!



The story below, which was written by an Unknown Monk, in 1100 A.D., reflects we can only change ourselves.




Saturday, May 6, 2017

What Did You Expect??

 



 
 
 
What are Unrealistic Expectations People Have of Marriage?
 
 
 

Movies, books, celebrity couples, and messages in songs can lead us down a path of expecting things from marriage and/or our partner that are not realistic.

The film about a content couple who has financial struggles and lives a simple but disciplined life , would probably not reach the top box office hits of the season!

The book about the long days of being at work, away from your loved one, or the long days of being home raising kids, while your loved one is at work, mostly likely wouldn't make the Best Seller's list!

I look back at some photos where my husband and I look exhausted and not all too happy with each other and I realize that once we identified the unrealistic expectations we had of each other, things improved greatly.  In our early days , we expected marriage or each other to fulfil us, to make us happy, to help us, build us up, to provide continued emotional, sexual, relational satisfaction.

When this was not happening, we wondered what was wrong. More often than not , we were certain it was because the "other person" ( which was each of us to each other!) was not doing what they were supposed to do for us.

I don't really know when or how it happened, but as we learned about marriage, as we experienced it and as we learned that scripture tells us to think about others more than ourselves, we changed our expectations!!

No longer did we expect each other to fulfil our deepest soul needs. Only God can do that.
No longer did we expect the other one to listen if they were tired. Maybe we would schedule a time to talk the next day, or call a friend. 
No longer did we expect our sex life to be great all the time. Instead we realized that it was only as good as the rest of our relationship most of the time.
And instead of blaming each other, we took responsibility of our own lives and instead began looking at ways to serve and love the other person, no matter what they did or didn't do for us.

Ask the question above and talk about what "other" people expect of marriage that is not reasonable. It may open your eyes to your own relationship and help change perspectives.

You can expect it to give you something to think about!!!





 

The Power of Re

Renew, refresh, relax, remember, relearn, and refocus.

Do you want to know why "re" is good for your marriage?

Because  the prefix "re-" means “back” or “again.

We want to go back again and again to being new or feeling new.

Fresh things bring us nourishment and comfort. I think of fresh fruit or fresh, clean sheets. We want to go back to that again and again.

Going back to something good, that brings connectedness over and over is good for our marriages. And one thing that can enhance that in our lives, are hobbies.

Ask your partner "What Hobby Would You Like To Do Together". 

You don't even have to do the hobby in the future, but just knowing what they may find helpful to their wellbeing is good for you to know.  Hobbies help us move away from our responsibilities and stresses and instead put our energy into recovering from the depletion we experience many days.

Biking together, joining a choir, painting, gardening, or cooking together are just some examples of what your spouse may say. Don't judge, or comment or say why you would not like to do that. Just ask and listen. Then just take some time to think about it, or ask more questions like "Why do you think that would be fun?"

If you think you would like it as well, go ahead and try it once or twice. You may have to schedule it in your week or month. If you don't think you would like it, maybe try it anyway. You may find you like it better than you thought and the reward of a closer friendship may be worth the time spent.

Reacquaint yourself with your partners interests, and as you do you will find your relationship reawakened in fun and leisure which will bring great reward to you both!  You may find yourself coming back again and again to the hobby you choose to pursue together!