Sunday, July 23, 2017

Keep Building!

If you have followed the blog from the first post until this last post, you have placed a foundational block of communication down and built up from there!  Questions relating to love, emotions, faith, money and many other areas of relationship will continue to be important ( and fun!) to ask your partner as time goes on. The answers may stay the same or they may change. The way you are placing the blocks may be rearranged and distributed differently, but the goal is that you do this building TOGETHER!

Come back to this blog over and over to remind yourself of questions to get you talking and steps to take to help resolve conflict. Do what children do , as they build with blocks. Get down on the floor, so to speak, start with one block. Pick it up carefully. Handle it gently. Place it on a level , secure place. Then pick up another one. With concentration and determination ( maybe a little anxiety) precisely place one on top of the other and keep building! 

Sometimes the shape will change or need to be rearranged. If the blocks crash down and fall, see which ones are still in place and just build up from there again. Take turns, share the excitement and feeling of accomplishment as you see something arise and take shape.

What begins as one block, one question, one step toward loving , respectful relationship, can turn into a beautiful structure that can stand the tests of time.


Can't Agree?

               You walk past him, with your eyes down and say nothing. He rushes inside and says something under his breath that you don't understand and don't really care to pursue. There is a wall, a roadblock ( or two), and if not addressed, the efforts you have made to "build" the "blocks" of relationship can come crashing down quickly.

When this happens, one of you needs to take steps of Conflict Resolution. This sounds so technical. It seems that we are skilled at doing this in many areas of our lives, but when it comes to relationships we seem to avoid the steps necessary to come to agreement and resolution.

You notice the scale numbers rising. You feel lethargic and have no energy. You say to yourself one day , "I am gaining weight and don't feel as good as I used to . I need to do something."  You think about how you have ice cream every night while you sit and watch T.V. and you think about how you have tried to diet before but it hasn't worked. Instead you consider exercise. Maybe joining the YMCA or a gym. Maybe you can take a walk each night after dinner instead. Your friend has some exercise videos she could lend to you. You consider each option and choose to join the YMCA. After a month you realize this hasn't worked so well, although you lost a few pounds and feel a bit better,  so you call your friend to ask for the videos.

You have just successfully taken steps to personal conflict resolution. It truly is not as scary and intimidating , once you just start to do it. What makes it difficult is when you have conflict or decisions to make with another human being. Your differences and past unresolved issues come into discussion and keeping a level head is important.

SO, back to our initial scenario of a "wall" between you. Now is the time to start:
1. Initiate a time and place to talk and get out some paper and pencils.
2. Define the specific problem. List ways you contribute . Have your partner list the ways they contribute.
3. List past attempts to solve the problem that haven't worked. ( Just list them, don't discuss or say "That didn't work because you dropped the ball...."!! ) And now for the fun part :  BRAINSTORM 10 ( or maybe 5 if you can't do more) NEW IDEAS.  The ideas can be crazy, non-realistic, practical, or whatever. Don't judge the other person's ideas, just put them down on paper.
4. Now discuss and evaluate them all. Find the ones that are most useful and appropriate and really do-able.  Agree on one and try it!
5. Decide specifically what you will do , and have your spouse decide on specifically what they will do to help make this work.
6. Set up another meeting to talk about progress, or if you need to pick another option to try.

Sometimes , just the knowledge that you have been heard and that you both are trying to resolve the issues, goes a long way! Often a solution is eventually found that you both can truly make work.  Then you can walk past him with a smile and he can speak respectfully , and directly to you. The walls come down a bit and the relationship is restored and actually strengthened as you work on Conflict Resolution.

You can't avoid conflict or disagreement, but you can actively take steps to make it more productive and actually WORK for your partnership!






Saturday, July 22, 2017

Money and Emotions


Emotions and Money go hand in hand.
Find your partners emotional money triggers and it will help you understand them better.

Ask questions about how they FEEL when there is extra money in savings. How they FEEL when an unexpected expense arises. How they FEEL when you are able to give to another needy person or cause.

Tap into the feelings and express your feelings on money issues, from your point of view.

Don't judge if the other person doesn't feel the same way. Just listen.
Next time they react to a purchase or a bill, you will have more insight into how you may be able to help the situation, instead of fueling a fire you may not be aware of.

Ask "How do you FEEL....." when it comes to money and you will be better equipped to help the emotions of money WORK for your marriage , instead of work against it!



The Long and Short of It


Sit down and write out what your personal Long-term money goals/ savings or spending goals are. This is usually a 3-5 year in the future goal.

Then take some time to write out out your personal Short-term money goals. Again it can be something you want to save for or something you want to spend money on in the short term. This is usually around 6 months to one year from now.

Then share your ideas with your spouse. And then listen while they share their ideas with you.

At this point it may be wise to say something like "Let's take a week to think about what the other person values here and meet again a week from now to talk about a short term goal and  "action" and a long-term goal and  "action" that we can agree upon.

Money differences can often bring up conflict, but see these conversations as stepping stones to helping make your life experience be more fulfilling for each of you over time.

Read books, talk to counselors, ask close friends and family how they manage their long and short term money goals. You will be glad that you did!

Tuesday, July 11, 2017

Where is your Treasure?

            I remember burying treasures in the backyard of a friend's home right here in my hometown that I have moved back to in my adult years. As children, we would spend hours finding little trinkets, special rocks or colored pieces of plastic that we thought looked like gems. We may write a little "message", and after we compiled it all, in a container, we would get to digging in her backyard. I have no idea where her parents were as we did this several times, but we left our treasure troves under the ground, in "safe" places, for keeping until we may want to uncover our precious items in the future.

Being a student of the Bible, I am always amazed that there are so many mentions by Jesus and the writers of other books, about the topic of money. I think it doesn't mean it is more important than the topics of salvation, forgiveness, or prayer, but it is a topic that resonates with each one of us, young or old, rich or poor, spiritual or not.


In Matthew 6 : 19 - 21 Jesus is recorded stating " Do not store up for yourselves treasures on earth, where moth and rust destroy, and where thieves break in and steal. But store up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where moth and rust do not destroy, and where thieves do not break in and steal. For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also.…"

Jesus always seemed to be concerned about the things we can't see. Our hearts, our motives, our passions. He often cuts to the truth about topics and here he quickly moves us from thinking about the things our money can buy ( which don't last), to the MEANING BEHIND what we spend that money on.

Consider and ask each other "Do you see money as a means to .....prestige, fun, comfort, giving, power.....or something else?"

Stop and then think.  Consider your daily spending habits,  are you "after" always having fun experiences?  Or do you like to "look good" in your appearance, home or vehicle?  Would you rather have a good meal and a warm bed to sleep in, and the security of money in the bank? Or do you love to buy gifts and give to things you believe in?

Most of us experience all of these means to some degree, ,but do you see a theme in your spending or saving?   Talk about this with your partner, especially if you share "treasure". Your heart's needs will often dictate the way you see the money you are bestowed.


As a young girl, I hid treasure, as a fun way to spend an afternoon with a friend, as we felt the excitement of gathering, hiding and keeping a secret.  As a grown woman I have to continually take a good look at my heart.  Jesus's words always challenge me, in areas of faith, relationship, and also money. Where am I putting my treasure? In things? In people? In comfort?

Start collecting insight into your ideas about money and dig deeper with your spouse. When you decide together where your treasure is, your hearts be more in alignment as well.


Sunday, July 9, 2017

A Million Dollar Question

           PBSkids.org asked children what they would do with a million dollars! Here are some of their answers:


If I had a million dollars, I would save it until I got older and then I would move to California...


If I had a million dollars, I would spend a couple thousand on trivial things, like maybe a pool. Then I'd donate the rest to something. I don't know which charity, though. Something really worthwhile..


If I had a million dollars, I would first buy a laptop, then a really big house, then donate the rest to a Hospital or Homeless Shelter.

If I had a million dollars I would give it to charity, and buy clothes and toys for the homeless children.

Buy an IPod.

This might sound weird, but I would be scared to spend it!!!!


Ask your spouse and see what THEY say!!!  Then tell them what you would do !





The Trust Factor

          How Important is Trust to YOU?

I have never participated in the exercise where you let yourself fall back into the arms of friends or teammates, whom you trust to catch you. Frankly, I am trust-challenged at times and would WANT to rely on the strong arms and the minds of friends who were determined to catch me, but I would struggle with trust. 

Ask the question above and "let go" as you answer!

The answers to this question will reveal quite a bit about you and how you have experienced life and relationships in the past.  You may value being able to rely on your spouse's commitment to you and their honesty above feeling loved or being happy. Or you may have come to expect very little from people in your past and the need to know reliability and healthy dependence , may be lower on your list, than on your partner's.

We size up people every day, dozens of times, in the area of trust.
Can we believe the news? Will the car salesman give us a fair deal?  Will my boss follow through on what they said they will do? Will the information I just told my neighbor be kept in confidence?

Trust is only as good as the strength and dedication of the object/person you lean on.

Your expectations and value of trust will define your relationship and your expectations of it and they way you function within it. Take the plunge, let yourself fall back and let go . Find out what your loved one thinks about "trust".





Wednesday, July 5, 2017

Sticks and Stones

As a child, I remember a saying that other kids would recite if someone said something hurtful
to them. They would say "Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me".
It was a way of being "strong" and acting like what they said didn't bother you!

BUT, as we all know, WORDS can HURT. In fact, some of the most poisonous weapons we use against those we are closest to , are choice words that we know will produce a response.

In this question exercise, the question is meant to allow you, as a loving, caring partner, to help your partner be vulnerable to you, or be light-hearted, or deep , as they answer.

Just ask and then listen. You don't need to say anything. Just listen and process their response.

Ask :
How do you feel when you hear the word  ______________________?

Maybe you will insert a word like "betrayal", or a word like "tickle" or a word like "advocacy".

You choose the word and listen to how your partner feels.

Remember the words we use conjure up feelings. Choose your words carefully.





Monday, July 3, 2017

What is the Solution?


I didn't realize how much I would learn from my years of early mathematics, that would apply to marriage!  But again, I am reminded of a childhood math experience.  Once I figured out the greater and less than signs, I would work through the review problems on the top of the sheet, then on to the next problems in the middle that were a new concept, and at the end, on the bottom of the worksheet were the dreaded "story" problems.

Those were the questions that caused the math student to not only compute, but take practical "problems" and find solutions.  I remember reading things about Jane and Jimmy buying carpeting to put in a room that was a certain size and trying to figure out how much carpet they would have left over if they purchased a certain pre-measured piece. 

Or dilemas where Susie and her father needed to measure flour to put into a cake, but they didn't have a cup measure, so how many Tablespoons should they use.



Some of you may have enjoyed those challenges, but frankly, I couldn't for the life of me figure out why Jane and Jimmy needed new carpet if it took that much thinking. Just buy a few throw rugs and it should be good.  And if Susie and her dad needed to measure flour, just use a drinking cup and call it good. It may be a little dry or too moist, but you could probably still eat the cake!

SO now , how does this relate to relationships?   The question of "What is the solution" can throw us all sometimes!  In marriage there are many problems that we are assigned to solve. Some are small ( who takes which child to their ball game, when the other one is going grocery shopping)  and some are large ( should we move to another town, or which counselor do we go to ).  Sometimes there is one answer. More often than not, there are SEVERAL answers/or ways to get to the answer . 

Today , ask your partner "What is our biggest problem we are facing right now?" .  Then list 5 Solutions.  They can be silly, practical, wishful, or illogical. Just list five together.  Then determine to try one.    You may find yourself going back and trying another one at a later time.

But working on the issue is what matters.  You will eventually come to a solution together if you face the problem and the answer together! And working on problems may not be so dreaded , after all!








Friday, June 30, 2017

Less is More


Funny story : When I was in first grade, I got a paper back in Math class , and all the answers were circled in red!  I had every one wrong! 
Actually I had every one right, but I was mixed up.
I had the way the "greater than" sign pointed and the way the "less than" sign pointed backward!
Once I figured out my mistake and wiped my tears and picked up my self-esteem, I was on track to being a good math student once again!

In your relationship ask  " Name 2 things you would like to see LESS of or MORE of in our relationship".   You may hear that your partner wants more snugging and hand holding, or less complaining.  More time for exercise, or less spending money on impulsive online purchases.

Listen and then it is your turn to convey your preferences.

Once you get the Less and More pointing the right direction, you will be closer to getting 100 % on your relationship !


Friday, June 23, 2017

Lean On Me


A few days ago I was trying to lift a box of books up onto a shelf at work. The weight of the box was something I could handle, but my back was turned, all my energy was invested, and my arms felt the full effort needed to hoist the load up and accomplish my task.

Then someone offered to help. They lifted the other side of the box, and what was difficult for me, became something reasonably do-able now! The shared feeling of small accomplishment (lifting a box isn't really a great success, although it may have needed to be done) was shared as well. The sense that I didn't have to do it alone, although not central to the task being accomplished, really created a different level of comradery.

What I could do alone, I didn't have to.  Usually I pride myself in working hard and not shying away from doing things like moving furniture myself, or lifting several bags in from the car after grocery shopping, or hauling my own lawn chairs from the shed to the deck, although I can barely carry them. I have always said "Where there is a will, there is a way". BUT, I also have had to realize that even though I CAN do these things, it is not always wise to do them alone. And I also have had to realize that some things I truly CAN'T do alone.

Here is where our next question comes in . Ask your spouse "What is Heavy on Your Shoulders Right Now, and How Can I Help?"

When you are asked, swallow your pride and tell your partner exactly how you feel burdened and truly what would help from them.

As I thought about this question I thought of another song.  Read the lyrics, sing it as you go about your day, and the next time you and your spouse talk, find out how you can be leaned upon.


Lean on Me

Sometimes in our lives we all have pain
We all have sorrow
But if we are wise
We know that there's always tomorrow
Lean on me, when you're not strong
And I'll be your friend
I'll help you carry on
For it won't be long
'Til I'm gonna need
Somebody to lean on
Please swallow your pride
If I have faith you need to borrow
For no one can fill those of your needs
That you won't let show
You just call on me brother, when you need a hand
We all need somebody to lean on
I just might have a problem that you'll understand
We all need somebody to lean on
Lean on me, when you're not strong
And I'll be your friend
I'll help you carry on
For it won't be long
'Til I'm gonna need
Somebody to lean on


Friday, June 16, 2017

Foundational Questions


The last question in the Religious/Spiritual category is a Yes/No answer type question. Easy, you may think! Give this one some thought and give some explanation to your spouse with your yes, or no.

"Should children have a religious or spiritual foundation?"

The topic of children brings about different reactions and responses than general questions about your one-on-one relationship.  Whether we like it or not, our relationship is not an "island".  Our union, especially in marriage, joins us to another group of people , and some people yet to be.

The roles and responsibilities beyond ourselves and our own issues leads us to be wise to talk about children, and how we will raise them, guide them, model to them.

Think carefully and answer and then you may need to act.

NEXT series of questions :  Emotional    : Stay tuned!! 



Monday, June 12, 2017

Want to Make A Statement?



Ask yourself and your spouse this question :
"What spiritual beliefs / principles guide you?"

Most companies have a mission statement that gives people an idea of the overall goals for the organization. They are often written and re-written until they are clear and concise. The statement is often printed, distributed, posted and looked to for guidance as decisions are made. Before constructing the goals, often the organization has to determine the qualities that they will strive to have as well. A law office may want to be "honest". A hospital may want to be "compassionate". A contractor may want to be "dependable".  The qualities will govern the goals to some extent. And people inside and outside the company will begin to be influenced by spoken or unspoken beliefs/principles held by those in leadership.

You and I may not construct our own personal mission statements ( although once several years ago I was challenged to do that, and I did).  But our beliefs and principles will be revealed by the way we do things, the way we approach life : how we navigate thought, behavior and conviction in our daily lives.

Think about your own , ask your spouse about theirs. Consider creating a personal mission statement or constructing one as a couple.  Make a statement as you live your life. Determine as a couple to make that statement together!




Saturday, June 3, 2017

What Does God Look Like to You?


Asking your spouse "How do you imagine God , when / if you pray?" can help you understand some of the spiritual dynamic of your relationship.  The answer may be theological, in the sense that your partner sees God as a personal, relational being who can be known.  Or they may see god as one of many, and distant and separate from our experience.

Your partner may answer that they imagine God as a "daddy", loving and there to meet their every need. Or you may hear that the picture they get is one of traffic cop just waiting to see if they mess up and then ready to serve them a ticket and dish out punishment.

Your ideas and the ideas of your spouse are important to know in the spiritual realm. Find out and pursue learning more about God as a couple.


Monday, May 29, 2017

Tradition!

    

Traditions ......Roles, Religion, Rituals. Fill in the blanks:
My religious tradition is ________________. 
Mine is  _____________.

Your faith may be the same as your forefathers or it may be different. In the opening number for the Broadway musical Fiddler on the Roof, the main character, the father, explains the roles of all the people in the town. The religious and non-religious members of the community are mentioned as well as the family members and what is expected of them within the thought of religious tradition.

The villagers and leaders face the challenge we all do , when the world around us changes, amidst our strongly held beliefs.

Talk about how you grew up and if you valued church or prayer in your home. Talk about how you view it now. Consider how you want to grow spiritually now and how you can take steps to grow as a couple together. My husband and I have placed a high value on our beliefs about God and our growth as Christians, both individually and together as a couple.

When we see something in our church that bothers us, we talk about it. When we see something we learned as children that doesn't seem to present God in the right light or in a honest frame, we question and work through our understanding of our faith.  We pray together, we wrestle with God together, we rejoice together when we see His hand in our lives.

Our traditions are not the same as our families of origin. They were good to understand though, to learn how we viewed the roles we assumed as husband and wife. Together we have sought God, grown in our faith in Him, sharpened each other in the pursuit of knowing our Creator.

So as you ask about past traditions and beliefs, think about where you are heading together in your faith journey. Commit to making some of your own traditions around your faith. Pursue truth, belief and faith. And as the world changes around you, your faith tradition will give you an anchor of your own!


Faith Foundation




How Have your Views about God Changed Throughout your Life?


In a rock-solid relationship, two people often come together around shared values and goals for their life together. Often these are ideals that extend beyond themselves individually or as a couple.

Our beliefs about God and his relationship to us and the world can greatly influence the way we see the world and our partner and our role and responsibility in our partnership with our spouse.  Our faith, or set of beliefs can be a rock to stand on. It can be a light to guide us. Sometimes it can loom large in our vision, and at other times we may only be able to grasp it like a mustard seed between our fingers. But it shapes us and our relationships!

I believe to talk about our convictions of who God is, or isn’t and how he does or doesn’t relate to us as a couple, will give you some new insight about your partner. And maybe it will give you a new desire to know more about God, too. Knowing God, knowing yourself and knowing your spouse will help build a solid foundation you can stand on!

Saturday, May 27, 2017

Stay Tuned : More questions coming !!


     More questions coming SOON!  The series of "faith" questions is NEXT! Stay Tuned!!! 

Monday, May 15, 2017

Memories Light the Corners of My Mind

             Memories ..... I can think back to a bad memory and feel sick to my stomach. And I can also think back to a wonderful memory and gain an excitement and contentment by just visiting that place and time in my spirit and mind.

Ask your partner  "What is a special memory of time together, and what made it so great?"

Take note of if it is something that can be re-created in a simple way some ordinary day, or if it is a memory that was made with some planning and sacrifice. The goal is not to necessarily go back and re-create that time, but if you can , great!  The goal is really to hear what it is that your partner needs from you to keep time together special.  To each person it may be different. It may be activity, relaxation, a different set of scenery, a shared project, or solitude or great conversation.

As the memory lights the corners of your minds, may it help you see the one you love, even more clearly!





When You're Happy and You Know It


Children are taught to begin to identity their emotions by singing songs that name feelings. "When your're happy and you know it, clap your hands.....When you're sad and you know it , stomp your feet..."  You know the song.

But can you help your spouse identify feelings and can you listen without judgement as they share their heart with you.

As you ask your partner to fill in the blank , and then as you do so and your partner listens, don't just listen with your ears, but listen with your heart. There may be some clapping and stomping going on when you both realize your deepest feelings have been validated by each other!

I feel HAPPY when ___________________.
I am AFRAID when __________________.

Wednesday, May 10, 2017

Who Needs A Change?













If you are reading Time for Thirty Questions, my guess is that you are seeking change in your relationship with your spouse.

Maybe your friendship is strong but you just want to grow deeper. Or you may find yourself, as a few of my friends have shared with me lately,  partners and co-workers of sorts in the daily grind of life, but that is it. Most of us want more from our relationships. I believe God made us to seek after soul connection with others. It is a reflection of the way he made us to seek to know Him.

The desire for change in relationships often is a valid goal. But sometimes we see the other person as the one who needs to change. If they.... When they....  THEN things would be better! I have said those things and thought them. So has my husband. Thankfully we have been blessed to have had amazing opportunities to learn about marriage maintenance, through books, classes, sermons, marriage mentor training and wise people who have gone before us!   We have learned that growing and changing for the better is best done TOGETHER.  Thus the 30 questions!

I have painted blocks with different topic colors and then hand-written different questions that relate to that topic on each block.  They are not very professionally done, so only friends and family have received them so far! But the idea is to sit down WITH your spouse, choose a block and a question or two.  Read the question, answer, listen, summarize what you hear and respond by saying "I feel , or I hear you saying". At first, if you are not accustomed to this, it will seem cumbersome, but soon it will seem more familiar.

Some of you want change, but your spouse is not willing ( or mentally/emotionally able) to share this exercise with you. You can still ask the questions and listen.  You may offer your answer to the question at that time, or at another time and just let them think about your answer without discussing it together.  

I am not going to tell you that miracles will happen if you go through these questions. Growth may come sure and clearly, but it may just happen in small steps or maybe not at all. There is worth in trying, as your relationship is worth watering and pruning to see if something new will grow.

Ultimately, we are only able to change ourselves. The beauty is when both people desire to change together , for the good of themselves, the other and the partnership.  Ask the questions. Listen. Determine, if nothing else, to change yourself , based on what you are hearing from your partner.

Today I just heard this story below. You may not be trying to change the world. Our own marriages are daunting enough much of the time, but the message is clear : who needs a change? We all do , and it begins with us!



The story below, which was written by an Unknown Monk, in 1100 A.D., reflects we can only change ourselves.




Saturday, May 6, 2017

What Did You Expect??

 



 
 
 
What are Unrealistic Expectations People Have of Marriage?
 
 
 

Movies, books, celebrity couples, and messages in songs can lead us down a path of expecting things from marriage and/or our partner that are not realistic.

The film about a content couple who has financial struggles and lives a simple but disciplined life , would probably not reach the top box office hits of the season!

The book about the long days of being at work, away from your loved one, or the long days of being home raising kids, while your loved one is at work, mostly likely wouldn't make the Best Seller's list!

I look back at some photos where my husband and I look exhausted and not all too happy with each other and I realize that once we identified the unrealistic expectations we had of each other, things improved greatly.  In our early days , we expected marriage or each other to fulfil us, to make us happy, to help us, build us up, to provide continued emotional, sexual, relational satisfaction.

When this was not happening, we wondered what was wrong. More often than not , we were certain it was because the "other person" ( which was each of us to each other!) was not doing what they were supposed to do for us.

I don't really know when or how it happened, but as we learned about marriage, as we experienced it and as we learned that scripture tells us to think about others more than ourselves, we changed our expectations!!

No longer did we expect each other to fulfil our deepest soul needs. Only God can do that.
No longer did we expect the other one to listen if they were tired. Maybe we would schedule a time to talk the next day, or call a friend. 
No longer did we expect our sex life to be great all the time. Instead we realized that it was only as good as the rest of our relationship most of the time.
And instead of blaming each other, we took responsibility of our own lives and instead began looking at ways to serve and love the other person, no matter what they did or didn't do for us.

Ask the question above and talk about what "other" people expect of marriage that is not reasonable. It may open your eyes to your own relationship and help change perspectives.

You can expect it to give you something to think about!!!





 

The Power of Re

Renew, refresh, relax, remember, relearn, and refocus.

Do you want to know why "re" is good for your marriage?

Because  the prefix "re-" means “back” or “again.

We want to go back again and again to being new or feeling new.

Fresh things bring us nourishment and comfort. I think of fresh fruit or fresh, clean sheets. We want to go back to that again and again.

Going back to something good, that brings connectedness over and over is good for our marriages. And one thing that can enhance that in our lives, are hobbies.

Ask your partner "What Hobby Would You Like To Do Together". 

You don't even have to do the hobby in the future, but just knowing what they may find helpful to their wellbeing is good for you to know.  Hobbies help us move away from our responsibilities and stresses and instead put our energy into recovering from the depletion we experience many days.

Biking together, joining a choir, painting, gardening, or cooking together are just some examples of what your spouse may say. Don't judge, or comment or say why you would not like to do that. Just ask and listen. Then just take some time to think about it, or ask more questions like "Why do you think that would be fun?"

If you think you would like it as well, go ahead and try it once or twice. You may have to schedule it in your week or month. If you don't think you would like it, maybe try it anyway. You may find you like it better than you thought and the reward of a closer friendship may be worth the time spent.

Reacquaint yourself with your partners interests, and as you do you will find your relationship reawakened in fun and leisure which will bring great reward to you both!  You may find yourself coming back again and again to the hobby you choose to pursue together! 

Saturday, April 29, 2017

I Want To Hold Your Hand

First "LOVE" questions:

What does Affection Mean to YOU?


While affection is described as a fondness or expression of attraction , how does your partner see it? Is it something they feel comfortable with, or is too much invasion of personal space uncomfortable for them. Why?

What words, gestures and touches are important and meaningful to you? Which ones just turn you off?  This may be very different for each of you.

Be specific and be truthful. Listen. If you have been rubbing their knee in public for years and they confess that they really don't like that, refrain from being offended. Sometimes people's opinions about affection change over time. Just listen and remember for next time. Find out what IS meaningful to them. Maybe just holding their hand is something that they like instead.  Don't expect to solve all your intricate intimacy issues with this question. It is just to get you started communicating and listening and learning! 

All You Need Is Love

All You Need Is Love, Love Is All You Need.

The Beatles hit song " All You Need Is Love" was an anthem of sorts back in 1967. We all want to believe that "love will keep us together", love is something we "find", and that love can just make the world be at peace.

But since 1967 , and over the course of time, people have "lost that loving feelling" and also are "torn between two lovers" and somewhere along the line we realize that there is more to love!!!

Mike Mason ( author of the Mystery of Marriage ) talks about  the time when each of us wonders if we have married the wrong person. He says we need something bigger than circumstances and emotions to center us and keep us faithful at that time. That is where commitment comes in. He states "I went into marriage thinking love would hold us together. I learned instead that it required marriage to teach me what love means".

The next series of questions should be eye-opening and hopefully help you understand each other's differences when it comes to your love. This can mean your physical, emotional, and experiential expressions of your care and commitment to each other.  Listen carefully to what is said. Speak honestly about your own ideas about love. Love isn't all you need to have a healthy relationship, but if you nurture the feeling of love, the rewards can be a song you can sing together for a lifetime!

Wednesday, April 26, 2017

Try A Compliment

If you have followed with our questions so far, you have discussed and listened to five questions/statements that have given you new insight to the one you love!

At the end of each topic set ( Miscellaneous, Love, Faith, Money and Feelings)  you can choose to "give a polite expression of praise or admiration" to your partner.

If you are trying this, I would love to hear how it is going. Right now, my husband doesn't know I am humoring him. I have just given him 3 or 4 compliments in a row and he has just answered nicely while never looking up from his puzzle!! Oh my...this communication thing has it's challenges! LOL!   Maybe another key to this is sitting face to face before you try this! Let me know what happens when YOU try the compliment. Maybe you will have better luck than I have! :)

Next topic of questions will be LOVE.  Stay tuned!


Tuesday, April 25, 2017

Make My Day


 

Describe Your Ideal Day!
The sun comes up, you hear the birds chirping, a cup of coffee in your hand, you stroll down to the lake to sit in solitude as you pray and think. A day of fishing is ahead of you and then a movie with your wife , and you are content with what you think is a perfect day!
The comfy bed envelopes you as you wait until your body is truly ready to get up.  Talking for an hour or two with the one you love, and then working on a house project you have been waiting to do just energizes you more than you realized.  After a shower and a nice night out on the town, you are happy to call it a perfect day!
Get the idea?  No two people are alike in what they think the "ideal day" would be.  In fact, what you think is an ideal day NOW, may not be the same as what you may think in a few years, once you have children running the routines of your days and nights.  Or what you value and enjoy may change once the kids are grown and you have more time again to yourself.
 
Contrary to some people's beliefs,  people DO change, and so do their preferences, throughout a lifetime.  So try to change and grow TOGETHER.  Part of that is communicating what the activities and simple pleasures of life are to you.  Listen to your spouse. Are they telling you they rate their days on spending time in a certain way, or with certain people?  Is there a luxury that they seldom get that would make it ideal for them? Are they longing for time, for experience, for relationship or learning on the day of their dreams?
 
 
Most likely, these days won't be able to be lived in the here and now. But maybe a little piece of your loved one's amazing day can become a reality , as you listen and hear , and determine to "Make Their Day" better one day in the future.  Sometimes just being listened to and truly heard can make the everyday very ideal indeed!! 






Monday, April 24, 2017

Build Me Up

 
Our words are building blocks on which others rise or fall. The next "question" for each partner to answer, is not really a question, but a chance to make a life-giving statement.
 
Name Two Things I Do Well.
 
 
When is the last time you heard your spouse say something positive about you? Last night, when he patiently helped your son with his spelling words, or when she finished painting the dresser, did you take it for granted and say nothing, or did you take the opportunity to build with words of affirmation?
 
 What do you think your spouse would do , if you could identify a few of their talents or strengths of character or personality?  And then if you chose to tell them.
 
All of us like to hear what we are doing well. We like to know someone notices. We take that block of encouragement , and then often add to it more blocks of effort and investment of our own. Start today to build others up by pointing out strengths and talents. You may be surprised at how tall the tower of encouragement can take your relationship!
 
 
 
 

Wednesday, April 19, 2017

Grow Where You Are Planted







Next Question :    What is One Way I Can Personally Grow in the Next Year?

Ok, we are digging a little deeper now. Let your loved one make a few small, gentle cracks in the surface of your complacency.  Maybe they see something you don't. As they speak words of admonition, don't become defensive. Just listen. Don't respond. Intend to just think about it later .
They may be right, wrong, on-to-something, or just plain way out in left field. Just listen. Your turn is coming.

When you get to tell your partner how you think they can grow, remember to be kind and positive. State that you think they can learn to be less sensitive. Or maybe suggest they really work on their skill of photography.  You may challenge them to seek more friendships of the same sex. Or encourage them to seek counseling for some issue that just is not resolved in their personal soul and mind.

This question is a bit threatening, but if it is spoken and heard with the best interest of the person in mind,  new things may bloom as a result!

The Parent Factor




Time for Thirty Questions begins with several that are lighthearted and lend themselves to positive conversation.  Our next question is :  What Will You Do the Same and Differently than Your Parents?
I just heard an older woman say that she looks in the mirror and says " Mirror, Mirror on the wall, I've become my mother after all!"
I had to laugh!  We may look like a parent or begin to act and converse like them! Most of us have reservations or downright aversion about acting like our parents when we are young. As we age, sometimes if you have a good parent you may change your mind. But regardless, we will choose to do some things the same and other things very differently.

Will you work or stay home with children? Will you exercise constantly, let yourself go , or something in between? Will you be social or keep to yourself more?  Will you have pets or not? Value time with people or making money? The list goes on.....

When the question is asked, it may take you just a few minutes to think of something. But it will come quite quickly. Sometimes the ways we do NOT want to be like our parents will come to mind very quickly. Also think of something you can emulate. Family life affects our current relationships a great deal. Enjoy talking about the Parent Factor!!

Unwind





Time for Thirty Questions begins with several that are lighthearted and lend themselves to positive conversation.  Our Miscellaneous category begins with :  If You Could Take A Trip, Where Would You Go?

We don't dream enough about new experiences and we often don't share them with others. Let your imagination take you on a vacation and as you talk and listen, don't judge or say why you would like or not like what your partner chooses as their option for "time away". Listen to what they are looking to experience. Is it leisure? Or a new experience? Or is it activity?

Just answer , and listen and you are done! Maybe one day your dream trip will become a reality for the two of you, and even if it doesn't, you have learned something about your spouse that you may not have known before! Happy Travels!

Monday, April 17, 2017

Welcome to the Building Blocks of a Better Relationship

 
Blocks. You loved them as a child. The feeling of holding something in your hand. Looking at the color, the shape, seeing the letter of the alphabet possibly, or just building with them, was a simple pleasure. 
 
Questions are the building blocks of learning. If you don't know how to do something, you need to ask.  If you don't understand how to cook that favorite dish, you may need to ask someone who knows how!  You may have to ask directions! You may need to ask the meaning of a medical term when being diagnosed with some ailment.  We don't know everything, so we must ask.
 
Why do we think that after years of a marriage or relationship , that we don't have to ask.
Questions are still foundational to growth. They help build a foundation and they also build it higher, stronger, and more sure.
 
The following questions are for you. They are for your spouse/partner. You will think they sound simple. You will think you know the answer. BUT the answers you think you know are the answers that are made up of what you are currently building. Often that is a relationship that is predictable, void of real intimacy and growth. The answers you think you know make you ignorant of how your loved one has changed over the years. Yes, contrary to what we want to think, we ALL change over time. The goal is to change "together" to grow in a way that we stick together. We communicate and stay committed. 
 
That is a simple pleasure. Years of being heard and understood. Holding the answers to the questions, not in your hand, but in your heart. The next post we will jump right into the first topic and the subsequent five questions that relate. Then we will go to other topics and questions.
 
Get ready to build. One block at a time!!!